I'd like to call somebody to the stage that you know as a folk singer
But that you haven't met in his other role

Paul is a comedian with a unique point of view and commentary
And in this capacity, ladies and gentlemen
Please welcome with me to the stage, my good friend
My compatriot, Paul Stookey

<pop>That was the sound of a golf ball
Or if you're a ping-pong enthusiast, that was a sound of a ping-pong ball
Except generally you'll hear <ping> <Pong>

<pop> <ping><pong><pop> <ping><pong><pop>
That's the sound of a match between a golfer and a ping-pong enthusiast

I played golf today, 18 holes I played golf, wooo
I did pretty good too, I think you would have been very proud of me
<pop>Four. <pop>Five. <pop>Six <pop>Seven

I don't like sports very much
There's a vast number of sports that I'm not invlved in.
There's water skiing
In order to water ski, really you should swim, right?
You're not gonna stay up there all the time, now
And I don't like to swim, really
You know what swimming is to me?
Staying alive when I'm in the water.
Barely
I'll do anything to stay afloat
Even swallow Co2 cartriges

But I didn't come out here to talk about sports
I really, I came out here, Peter talks about status
And I cannot think of one material object that has more status in this country
Than the automobile
And it starts at a very early age now, right?
I mean, now at 14, kids want the car, right?
They get cheaters permits so they can drive
You get a learners permit at 15, a cheaters permit at 14
And it's, I guess it's really necessary because
You lose a lot of face calling up a girl and asking her
If you can peddle right over and pick her up, right?

They don't really go for that any more
And if you look back on all the times you had the automobile
Aside from a few interesting saturday evenings
You got to admit that one of the nicest times of all
Was a sunday afternoon, if you could get the car
You come down the stairs, ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk
mom, dad, gonna take the car, ha haaa
Beautiful day for a drive, I think I'll go out
Ha haaa haaa ha huuu

And then, and then they level you with that giant killer, right?
HAVE YOU DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?

If you were fast, you'd say, mom, dad, have I done my homework?
<lightning sound>Run out the door
You pick up 3 other great pretenders, 3 oclock in the afternoon
The time is now 10 oclock in the evening
The same 4 guys are in the same car <engine sound>
Well, whata you wanna do? <engine sound>
I don't know, whada you wanna do? <engine sound>
Hey, we've been driving for 7 hours <engine sound>
Hey, I got an idea, he he <engine sound>
Yeah, what's that? <engine sound>
Lets go to a drive-in resturant and look at the girls, hehehe <engine sound>
Oh, ok <engine sound>
Well, here they are, but they're all from our high school <engine sound>
Wait a minute, there's a car load over there
There's a place right next to them, lets go get it <engine sound>
<horn x2>
<tire screech>
<horn>
<engine sound>
<tire screech>
Don't look at 'em <laughter>
Here's the conversation in the girls car you never heard

Here they come
There they are
Don't look at 'em

Remember the time when drive-ins first opened
And the girls used to come out to take your order?
Now you're lucky you know, if you get a girl in slacks who delivers it
I understand they're even putting in conveyor belts in some drive-in resturants
There was a time when the little girls came running out in short little skirts
Remember them? <whistling>
You pull in <engine, tire screech>
And the little girl would come running up <panting>
May I take your order sir?
Yes, but I don't believe it's on the menu, ha ha
They don't, they don't let you flirt any more now
They give you a little green box with a white button on it
A little speaker grill, right
<buzzz>
<unintelligable noise>
What?
<unintelligable noise>
Oh, ok, um, We'd like one cheeseburger deluxe special extra
The one you have out here with the little white cup
With that whatever that's in there, we'll take it, whatever it is
And uh, we'd like two hamburgers medium rare with everything on em
And one hamburger, no, one hamburger, meat, no hamburgers
One frank, and three chiliburgers, ok?
Alright, and we'd like two chocolate shakes, regular thick, for spoons you know THICK
And we'd like two strawberry shakes thin
Water them down, or milk them down a little, ok
'Cause we got somebody here with chapped lips and they'd like it thin
Can, you understand what I mean?
Are you there?
<unintelligable noise>
Well, could you tell us what we have please?
<unintelligable noise for a long time>
And four six-packs
We'll take it
And after you get your food order in, you got at least 40 minutes to wait
Even if it's just a cup of coffee you got 40 minutes to wait
And you cannot get out of your car, right
Remember there was a time when drive-ins first opened
You used to pull in and get out, exchange hellos, greetings <kiss>
Evidentally some people were getting out and exchanging
Something a little heavier than hellos and greetings
They have policemen there to keep you in your car
You can be 47 years old and drop your credit cards on the ground
Officer, that's my wallet
I don't care who you are kid<pop> back in the car
If you do get out, you gotta be very careful
Because the new resturants have radar now <radar scanning sound>
So you have to crawl on your belly between the cars <panting>
You get over to the side of the car <panting>
Psssst <pop, pop, pop>
Psssst <pop> down here!
I can't come up, they'll spot me
<pop, pop, pop> Put down your window
<sound of window going down>
Power windows, huh?
Whoo, this is a pretty fancy car
Hey, you're a pretty fancy broad
<sound of window going up>
<pop. pop, pop>
<sound of window going down>
<tire screech>
If you did manage to get out of the drive-in resturant without being maimed
There was a sporting event taking place at the traffic light
Remember, with all of two characters
Mr. Businessman who drove a 4-door family sedan with black-wall tires
Automatic transmission
Seated next to him in a 1941 gray primer coated Ford
With it's rear end 2 inches off the ground
Tomato cans for mufflers
With his back to the divers window, his left arm draped over the steering wheel
His right hand gripped onto the gearshift lever
A sneer on lips sat THE KID
<engine revving sound>
Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened, and
Those of you who are not quite sure what I mean
By having your bands tightened
The bands are the rings in an automatic transmission
Which actually affect the gear change
Uh huh, I'll give you an example
This is an automobile with tight bands
<car sound with gear shifts>
This is an automobile with loose bands
<car sound with gear shifts, different sound>
Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened
And he thinks that he will show THE KID a thing or two
Meanwhile, THE KID <engine revving>
Has inched these 2 fingers up over his left arm
This is the universal signlanguage among teenagers for dragging
You probably recall Winston Churchill during the war years
Which everyone assumed meant V for victory
Actually if you'll also recall Winston Churchill smokes a cigar, right?
He used to hold it in here, right?
And occationally he would turn to his friends on the stage and say
Want a drag?
See, and the kids picked it up
The light changes
The light changes to amber and Mr. Businessman decides to get very daring
He pulls the automatic transmission down into low <clunk>
He puts one foot on the brake <screech>
Still holding the foot on the brake, in order to get that extra fast start
He pulls the automatic transmission down into low <clunk>
And pushes down on the accelerator five inches
The car is internally hemorraging
He knows, he knows, he knows he's gonna have to have another band job
He's not gonna let THE KID show him up
The light changes to green, Mr. Businessman is off
<tire screech>
<engine running fast>
<gear shift>
<gear shift with loose bands>
Looks at the speedometer, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97, 98 miles an hour
Looks out the window and The Kids not even there
You know what's there?
<siren sound>
He looks in the rear view mirror and The Kids still back at the corner
He never races anybody
He just sits there and scares the hell out of them